1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard or bitch who made you sad 

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid 

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be...until you quit whining

6. When you are confused - I will use little words

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass

This is my oath... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; because you are my friend

Friendship is like peeing in your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth

And always remember - when life hands you lemons...

Ask for some tequila and salt